


The Story of Captain America and Deadpool: a Romance, a Fairy Tale

by vassalady



Category: Captain America (Comics), Deadpool (Comics)
Genre: Harlequin, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-27 10:33:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2689586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vassalady/pseuds/vassalady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The name’s Deadpool, and I’m here to tell you about  how me and the great Steve Rogers hooked up. Spoiler alert, it was banging hot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Story of Captain America and Deadpool: a Romance, a Fairy Tale

**Author's Note:**

> Although I have written this down as it was told to me verbatim, I cannot, in good faith, say any of this is actually true. You’ll have to proceed with caution and decide for yourself if there’s any truth in this story and if it isn’t all ficti-
> 
> _Don’t listen to her. I wouldn’t lie. I have no reason to! It’s true. Definitely true. Now, let’s continue on to the time I deflowered a national icon…_
> 
> Steve hasn’t been a virgin since the 60s.
> 
> _Stop stepping in my spotlight, you’re technically wrong, anyway, given compressed timelines, even I understand that, and I’m IN the stories. Also why am I the one in italics? This’ll confuse people when I switch to normal text. Oh well, whatever. Now let me tell you a tale…_

Ok, kiddies, here it is. The bedtime story to end all bedtime stories. This makes The Princess Bride look like Schindler’s List, let me tell you, Freddie. You want a romance? I’ll give you a romance.

Now, where was I? Yes! So once upon a time, not so long ago really, let’s say last week, there was a beautiful damsel in distress. Well, when I say damsel, I mean a dude. And so he wasn’t so much in distress as on a mission. Everyone knew this guy, and they called him Captain America! The name throws people sometimes, but everybody loves this guy. He got his start back in the 40s, and has been the wet dream of at least half, if not more, the US population, and a fair number of puberty-hitting Canadian kids, too. Just trust me on that.

So Stars and Stripes here was a pretty big fucking deal. Besides loving him, a lot of people also wanted him deadsky. Some had thought they had succeeded a few times, but somehow Cap just kept coming back.

Now, last week, things were a little different. He was on a mission, infiltrating a defunct AIM base. Same old, same old, but what he and his buddies hadn’t counted on was an adversary Cap couldn’t take down.

Just between you and me, I wouldn’t want to face this guy. Yikes, hell no. He’s got an arsenal bigger than any… big thing… okay, well, he had a lot of guns and strength and food and stuff, okay? Captain America? He didn’t even have a sandwich. Just his shield. But normally, that’s all he ever needed, so you can’t blame the guy for only taking that. Though an uzi could really spice things up, you know, maybe even get him elected el presidente.

Any questions yet? No? Good.

Oh! Forgot to mention, and this is really important, Captain America had a cold that day. A really unpleasant one, too, turned his nose all red, left him congested, not pleasant. All that mucus. Yeesh.

Still no questions? Perfecto.

Oh, another thing I forgot to mention. Cap was there because SHIELD, this kinda shady, kinda swag body-suit wearing outfit, uh, no pun intended, got some weird signals from there. But the place had been swept by agents like forever ago, so no one gave a shit about it anymore. But now there was this weird signal, and Captain America volunteered to investigate! He was bored, because his cold was keeping him from doing other heroic things, so weird signal, low key, heh, Loki, no sweat, right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong.

Now there’s a good chance Cap wouldn’t have had so much trouble if he’d just taken some Dayquil. Sure, he was from the 40s, but he’s been living in the 21st century how long? A decade? Catch up with the times, dude.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. AIM base. Gun guy.

So it turns out that Cable - that’s the guy with all the guns - was holed up in the AIM base. See, he was on the run from SHIELD, because of something to do with the future that affected the past that affected the future that affected the present, and I really hope I didn’t end up my own father, although that could be cool. 

So in goes Cap, not knowing about any of this, not knowing how trigger happy Cable gets when he’s upset, and trust me on that, he does, I still have the holes to prove it, anyway, in goes Cap, just wandering along, shield at the ready, and feeling more than a little stuffed up.

Cable sees him before Cap sees Cable, so BLAM BLAM, BUR-R-R BUR-R-R BUR-R-R, he starts shooting every which way. It’s like the biggest fireworks display ever, given the close corridors, and it’s just about the end of Cap.

Luckily, he doesn’t get hit, not with the bullets anyway, but all that gunfire ended up really damaging the structural integrity of the place, and fuck me if it didn’t all come tumbling done, god’s honest truth.

So that’s where we get damsel in distress.

Now this wouldn’t be a good fairy tale if there weren’t a knight in shining armor and a dragon. Both of which are in this. Okay, not so much a knight in shining armor, but there’s definitely a dragon. Sort of.

At that moment, said knight in shining armor was passing through. He was devilishly handsome, and super smooth, and had two lovely swords, and a bunch of beautiful baby guns, I’m talking the best of the best here. No, he didn’t have a stead, and he was wearing a rather stylish, well-tailored, red and black suit rather than a suit of armor, but have you picked up a history book? Those things weighed like, a ton, who the hell wants to be weighted down like that?

It’s a drowning hazard, I say.

So this drop dead gorgeous knight (not literally, unless he killed you) was just passing by, cool as you please, when he heard the base cave in. It was a really big explosion, would have left Daredevil blind for weeks, his ears would still be ringing from it. So the knight - whose name was, mm, Deadpool, okay, it was Deadpool, see, told you he was awesome - did the knightly thing and went to investigate.

There was a lot of debris and junk and stuff to dig through. It was way tougher than it should have been, cartoons have lied to me my whole life, because I did NOT have any handy dynamite, it’s not that easy to get ahold of. But anyway Deadpool made his way through the mess, but, unfortunately, when he finally broke into some clear tunnels, the way he had carved out collapsed in again. So no going back that way.

But the brave knight did not give up! He forged onward, through the flickering lighted halls, through the smell of old science and evil, until he found…. the damsel!

Cap had taken a pretty hard hit during the cave in. Ceiling had come right down on top of him, hadn't been able to get that trusty shield of his up. But the knight dug him out. He was in pretty bad shape. Mucus everywhere, a few bumps and bruises, a bit of blood at the temple, you get the picture. But even then, Deadpool could see how gorgeous he was, the blond hair peeking through the tears in his cowl, those long lashes gracing his cheek, a jaw that could cut through wood if it wanted, it was so strong. 

The knight was smitten by the damsel. Well, who the hell wouldn’t be?

“Hold on, Cap!” Deadpool said as he pulled him free. “I’ve got you!”

The Captain murmured something that couldn’t be anything other than effusive thanks. 

Only problem was was that they were stuck. They didn’t have a way to get back out, and though he doesn’t look it, Captain America is heavy. Pretty sure his BMI would say he’s obese.

He dragged him clear into a pretty safe area, one that wouldn’t come toppling down upon their heads. The knight still didn’t know about Cable, so he kept his focus on Cap.

“Wakey, wakey, sunshine!” Deadpool said, with gentle loving taps upon the Captain’s cheeks. “Beddy bye is over!”

The Captain came to, and his eyes, baby blue gems shining like beacons, opened and settled on Deadpool. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said in awe. He had never expected to be rescued by such a dashing knight! What luck!

"Oh em gee, it's always an honor, sir!" the knight dashingly said. He held the Captain close, looking soulfully in his eyes. "If not for me, you might still be stuck down there."

Cap swooned in Deadpool's arms. With all his strength, Deadpool kept the gorgeous man upright.

He was suffering ill effects from his cold, and his little period under the rubble hadn't helped. He was a bit of a mess, and likely would have died a horrible, terrible, tragic death if the knight hadn’t come along.

But now he was suffering from a different kind of pain as well. The first pains of… love! Yes, love, shhh, I’m the one telling the story, I know how it happened, you shut up and listen.

See, he was super smitten by the knight, and who wouldn’t be? Dashing, charming, they say that he’s charming, oh, wait, wrong story, still charming, though, and hot as hell. When Cap came to a second later, he looked once again into Deadpool’s soulful, expressive eyes, and he knew, right then and there, that another crime had been committed that day.

His heart had been stolen.

Not literally. That’s a figure of speech.

Deadpool caressed the Captain’s cheek. “What dastardly villain has done this to you, my Captain?”

Unable to let himself weigh down Deadpool any longer, even though he wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in his big, strong arms, he pulled himself free as he said, “Your friend Cable. Just started firing.”

“Ahhh,” Deadpool said knowingly. He nodded. “Does that every time I drop in to say hi. Don’t take it personally.”

“I wasn’t,” the Captain said. “I would like to ask him why, though.”

And of course he would, because didn’t I tell you? National Icon. Standing for what’s right, for what’s good, punched Hitler in the jaw - literally. You couldn’t ask for a better guy.

And Deadpool was just as smitten as Cap was.

They decided to look for Cable, because Captain America wanted to, and Deadpool wasn’t about to leave him on his own, not in his condition. Normally, he’d be happy to see Cable, but he was pretty sure Cable was mad at him for something. Still is probably. Anyway. Off they went.

Although Cap kept insisting he didn’t need help, not wanting to burden his knight in shining armor, Deadpool let him lean on his shoulder as they made their way through the old AIM base. It was during this journey that the electricity between them built until they were almost fighting each other off amidst the high sexual tension.

If only they realized the other felt the same way! It would have made this story a lot shorter and they could have skipped finding Cable altogether, riding off in the sunset by themselves!

Too bad it didn’t go that way.

They searched high and low, combing every bit of that base that wasn’t caved in from Cable’s rampage. At last, they found the trails he had left behind. They tracked him deeper into the base.

“How far does this thing go?” Deadpool asked his love, looking around. They were probably a good hundred feet or something like that below ground.

“I’ve seen bigger,” the Captain said, and if that wasn’t a challenge, I need to be written more discerning from now on.

Finally, they came upon Cable. He was not happy to see them.

“Leave me alone,” he said, all stoic and serious, in that way he gets when he’s pissed at you.

“No can do,” Deadpool said, standing valiantly in front of Cap. “You shot at my princess.”

“Your- what?” Captain America said, realizing just how much Deadpool cared for him, how his feelings were returned!

Deadpool didn’t wait for an answer from Cable. He struck first! He pulled out his guns and fired at Cable. Which was, in hindsight, probably not the best idea, given the evident structural issues the base had already.

Cable had been fixing his space time warper thingy, and he just pretty much decided to vanish rather than have debris rain down on him again. This left Deadpool and Captain America racing for their lives as the base collapsed around them! They dove out of the way of falling stones and sparking wire. It was a little like Indiana Jones, but not really at all, but if it had been, it couldn’t have been more awesome.

Finally, they dove out of the way of one last collapsing bit of ceiling, and the dust settled around them. Captain America coughed, though if from the dust or his cold, it was hard to say. It was pretty nasty cold, as I said.

He looked at Deadpool, who had pulled him free. “Thank you,” he said, voice rough and low.

That meant only one thing.

Now, if you are young, please go away and listen at the door, so that we, the adults, have plausible deniability. Or, I hope that you lied about your age when hitting that 18+ button, which we are obligated to put up.

So if you aren’t 18, please leave now. *winks*

I’ll wait.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Okay, now that they are “gone…”

The Captain raised his hand up and slowly stroked Deadpool’s face. “Thank you,” he said again, voice a husky whisper. Like really, deep, you could tell how turned on he was. “I don’t know if… I’d still be trapped under all that debris if not for you.”

“I could say the same,” Deadpool said. “I mean, not trapped, but metaphorically. You know?”

Cap gave him a funny look, but it dissolved back into a warm smile. And then, Captain America bending back in Deadpool’s arms, they embraced, lips brushing against one another. Cap’s cowl slipped back so that Deadpool could entwine his long, elegant fingers in Cap’s gorgeous long hair.

“Please,” the Captain said, a breathy, moaned whisper. “Please….”

And that, my friends, is where I - I mean, Deadpool and Captain America - made sweet, sweet love.

You want the details? Are you sure? I mean, it’s not like that’s why you’re here, right?

Oh, who am I kidding? That’s exactly what you came here for!

Okay, so Cap’s face was flushed crimson from the searing kiss. They weren’t playing around any longer, they knew how they other felt, and they were going to give into sin and desire. It was destiny. It was the type of thing that would be sung about for ages to come! Yes, my friends, this was the stuff of legends.

Deadpool stroked a hand down Cap’s chest, running his fingers sensually along the scale mail. Cap shuddered under his touch, a convulsing shiver that ran through his whole body. But Deadpool couldn’t wait; no, instead he literally ripped Cap’s shirt off, letting it fall to the floor. He had achieved what so many enemies had failed to do, through the power of love alone!

Deadpool kissed Cap again, a kiss that went straight to both of their loins, firing them up like a Harley right before hitting that wide open road.

They had that in common, too, liking bikes. Could have talked all day about bikes, if they weren’t preoccupied by other things.

Or maybe Wolvie is the one who likes the bikes? Anyway. Where was I?

Oh yes, so there they were, each half naked (Deadpool’s own shirt had disappeared into the darkened tunnels of the base.) Cap swooned at the sight of Deadpool’s amazing chest, eyes following every mottled scar like a seamstress notices her so fine rows. Like a chef examining the piping of a cake. Reverence. Pride. This was his Deadpool. So handsome. So dashing.

They continued to make out, Deadpool gently lowering Cap to the floor. There was no bed of flowers, but one day, he vowed to do just that, and it only made Cap’s heart beat faster.

He tore off the Captain’s pants, and who knew he went in the buff? Certainly not I. But Deadpool didn’t slow down to admire it. Instead, he pulled up his mask and swallowed Cap down to the hilt, working away at his flushed, purple, uncircumsized cock with abandon. 

The sounds that Captain America emitted! They were obscene! Would have given the best porn stars a run for their money. A quiet man he is not.

Deadpool pulled off of Cap’s cock with a pop that resounded through the collapsed room. He kissed up Cap’s belly, tongue dipping briefly into his navel, before latching onto one of his cherry red nipples. He bit and swirled it around, and beneath him, Captain America shifted and mewled and groaned and begged for more. So Deadpool did as his love asked, and he twisted his lover’s other nipple, tight like a screw, and that had Cap screaming in pleasure.

“Need you in me,” Cap begged, tears in his eyes. “Need to be one with you.”

And how could Deadpool deny anything to the love of his life? Destiny! Meant to be! And this, this would seal it forever.

He got rid of his pants in a flash and began rubbing his length, a thick, cut, gorgeous cock along Cap’s dick, and soon they were both gasping for more. But Cap had said inside, and Deadpool would not let his lover down.

He had nothing but spit on hand, however. But the Captain shook his head and said that would more than enough, that he knew Deadpool could not hurt him. And it turned out to be true.

Deadpool placed his mouth around the Captain's winking, red entrance, and he licked and sucked and swirled his tongue, thrusting it into the tight ring of muscle. Captain America gasped and writhed against his tongue, like the most wanton slut in the world, as anyone with their lover may do. 

Underneath Deadpool’s tender care, Captain America blossomed like a long overdue flower, brilliant, and red, and wide, and ready.

It was a smooth, long push into the Captain. So tight, so hot, so wet. Deadpool didn’t know if he would be able to last at all, being surrounded by the tight heat of Cap. 

If felt like an eternity and no time at all until Deadpool was fully seated inside Captain America, his cock filling his hole, and they were joined.

Birds sang. Well, if they were anywhere they could hear birds. But there were definitely some insects somewhere buzzing a bit at the beauty of the union.

A union like no other. A union to defy all, to defy gravity, oh did they try defying gravity - oh, wait, sorry, wrong story again.

Yes, so there he was, seated inside, and the Captain looked up at him with love and trust. “I knew it,” he said reverently. “I knew that saving myself for this moment would be worth it.”

“You’re a virgin?” Deadpool said, shocked that such a lovely specimen had remained untouched. For his part, Deadpool was not so virtuous. Why, only that morning, he had been eyeing a burrito in a somewhat sultry way. Nothing happened, this time, but who knows.

The captain nodded, his flush deepening, going all the way down his chest. “Please, Deadpool. Please.”

“No, my love,” Deadpool said as he caressed the Captain’s face. “You may call me Wade.”

“Wade…” The way his name rolled off of the Captain’s tongue was like crack cocaine. He couldn’t get enough of it, and he demanded that the Captain repeat it again and again.

“Please move, Wade!” the Captain at last gasped out.

So Deadpool did, going fast and slow, thrusting shallowly and deeply, all the kinds of things that his lover spewed forth with relentless enthusiasm. But the tears sprang to Cap’s eyes and he cried out.

Deadpool took Cap’s face in his gentle hands. “Have I hurt you my precious?”

Captain America shook his head. “No. Just please. Keep going.”

So Deadpool did, faster and harder and better than ever.

Their orgasms rose like a terrifying wave of spilled hot sauce over food. They came together, with a gasp and a moan, tied eternally by the beauty of love making. Of sexual intercourse. Of getting each other’s jizz all over the other.

If they had had the time, if Captain America were not sick and injured, Deadpool would have spread his ass and stared at his hole as Deadpool’s come spilled from it.

As it was, they hadn't the time, and they had to escape from that dungeon or risk eternal entrapment or whatever else D&D kids talk about.

Which wouldn’t be that bad, considering the sex was really, really good.

Okay, the kiddos can come back now.

So, Deadpool helped Cap walk, who was still a little weak, by slinging his arm around his shoulder. They walked and walked for what seemed like ages, but finally, Cap turned his head, and if he had been Wolvie, he would have sniffed. Well, he did, but because of his cold, not because he was part dog like some people I could name. Have named. But anyway, the sniffing had nothing to do with it, so he pointed and said, “That way.”

Who was Deadpool to argue? So long as he and his future bridegroom got out, it was all the same to him. So they moved on, followed by whatever weird secret super soldier sense of direction Cap had. Legend, I tell you. Legend.

What? Sorry. Right. On with the story. Don’t worry, we’re almost through. Or worry. Either or depending.

So finally, Captain America and Deadpool found an exit, a side door type of thing that had ended up surviving the previous cave ins. Sweet, fresh air! It felt good to breathe it in, to take it into the lungs, and it left Deadpool feeling light and airy. He had succeeded! He had saved his love, and they were free!

Out in the sunlight once again, Captain America fell upon his lover, weakened, but in love, and they shared another passionate embrace and kiss. As they broke apart, Cap murmured, in a throaty whisper that sent thrills through Deadpool, “Never mention this to anyone,” obviously referencing how a cold had prevented him from taking down Cable and not his torrid affair with m- I mean, Deadpool.

The knight promised his national icon princess, and they went away together into the night! Except that Cap had to report back to SHIELD, and Deadpool wasn’t welcome. Cap was very adamant that he go alone.

“But we are to be wed!” Deadpool protested. “No one can keep me from you, my love.”

“I was afraid of this,” Cap muttered to himself, worrying over the rejection his future husband would no doubt face from Daddy Fury.

But assurances and promises were made, and they went their separate ways.

But where did the dragon come in, you ask? What, you forgot about that already?

Well, I’m not one to tell a lie, so...

About a week later, Deadpool could no longer stand being apart from his love. So, he brought Cap a gift.

When he saw the hissing, fire-spitting dragon, held out at arm’s length from Deadpool’s body after he had almost chewed off a nipple, which isn’t as pleasant as it should be, Captain America said, lovingly, “Isn’t that Shadowcat’s?”

Deadpool assured him it was his now and a fearless token of his love.

Many emotions passed through Cap at that moment, and they all were reflected on his face. Confusion. Worry. Love. Passion. Anger. Constipation. And finally wonder at how he had ever lived without his knight. He stepped to the side at last as he said, “Maybe Logan has her number.”

And that, my children, is the greatest love story ever told. The epic romance between Captain America, a hero in the eyes of millions, and Deadpool, a lonely mercenary who finally found true love to warm his cold heart.

If nothing else, take this away: that there’s no kind of love that can’t blossom under a hundred feet of dirt and stone and a little snot swap.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m not feeling too good, so I’m gonna nurse this cold in bed with a Golden Girls marathon.

Ah-choo!

And thanks for the tissues.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s this author’s opinion that Wade is an asshole dudebro fanboy, and Steve hasn’t been a virgin since the 60s.
> 
> _Okay, maybe you’re right on that, I mean, the guy took it like a champ._
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> _Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya! I even gave you Steve porn for your birthday._
> 
> … Thank you.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Story of Captain America and Deadpool: A Romance, A Fairy Tale](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7320760) by [RsCreighton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RsCreighton/pseuds/RsCreighton)




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